THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I CAN PROVIDE YOU TO BECOME INDEPENDENT FROM THE NARSCISTIC/TOXIC PERSON IS THIS:
If you are contemplating leaving/divorcing the Narcissist or Toxic person and wondering if you can make it on your own- the answer is: YES, YOU CAN make it on your own if this is your final decision. You can become independent and be good at it too!
TAKING CARE OF THE RESPONSIBILITIES IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT being Dependent on a NARCISSIST/TOXIC PERSON IS:
FREEDOM!!!
MATTHEW 19: 16-26
“With men, it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.”
WHAT IS THE KEY TO THIS FREEDOM?
The key is:
To know the vital areas, you need to take responsibility for, and
how to work towards the independent management thereof.
PS: Remember, YOU and your behaviour cannot change a narcissist or a toxic person!
THE FOLLOWING ARE THE 7 VITAL AREAS FOR MANAGING YOUR LIFE INDEPENDENTLY AND BEING FREE FROM A NARCISSISTIC AND TOXIC PERSON:
(NARCISTIC AND TOXIC PERSON is hereafter referred to as an “NTP”)
1.1 Finances:
I know this must be the one subject that feels like a tsunami to you- very overwhelming, especially if you did not control the monies. I know the feeling personally as I was left with no assets and 4 children. So, please don’t freeze, fight, or flee but look the bull in the eyes, as you will have to face the music voluntarily or involuntarily. My clients in my law practice experience the same. Only once you faced reality, you can make a good plan.
Let’s break the vital areas you need to assess into smaller pieces which are more digestible:
1.1.1. Income:
Do you earn an income or have your own business?
Does the income cover the expenditures as in 1.1.2?
1,2,3, Expenditures:
Please look as a tool at the attached form at the end of this blog namely the J101E, regarding the different kinds of expenditure categories, as implemented by the Maintenance court. This is very helpful document. Establish according to this schedule your monthly expenses as from page 3.
Lastly, establish a budget!
1.1.3. Assets and liabilities:
Obtain knowledge of the full portfolio of your assets and debts. List and start to manage them if possible or as soon as possible.
1.1.4. Retirement:
Get knowledge of where your retirement annuities/policies are AND the contracts thereof. Who is paying them etc? You must have a retirement plan in place or work toward getting one in place in the near future.
1.1.5. Medical Aid:
Do you have one?
This is vital, you cannot be without one! Consider the different options.
1.1.6. Bookkeeping, administration, and filing:
Start your own monthly book and record-keeping or obtain the help of someone with knowledge of it. This is the only way to learn what is going on and this knowledge will ground you. Taking charge of your finances will be the end goal.
If things don’t look too good, at least you were brave enough to have a reality check and you can work to make it better.
There are many beautiful testimonies of how people overcame and live a beautiful life- read them!
1.2 EMPLOYMENT/OWN BUSINESS
In most cases in being independent of the Narcissist/Toxic person, you will have to source your own income. Some of the many possible reasons therefore might be that you:
1.2.1 will receive inadequate maintenance or the monies that you are entitled to cover expenses.
1.2.2. will receive no monies at all due to failed evidence in litigation or hidden or wasted
assets or by the NTP not being employed etc.
1.2.3. when you are receiving monies/maintenance from an NTP, it could be a game of
control for them by:
a. paying late or
b. skipping monthly payments or
c. taking you back to court and saying that their financial circumstances have changed and that they cannot afford to pay it anymore, etc.
1.3. Reskill and update your IT knowledge:
This is power! Even if your financial situation is booming, please reskill and update your IT knowledge. Not only will you be more desirable in the employment market or have more knowledge to start your own business, but it is just GOOD FOR YOU to grow, become more part of the bigger flow of society again and be renewed and updated. Excellent, for confidence!
You must obtain your own laptop and cell phone with your own account. Not paid for by the NTP as it will keep your information private and secure! Furthermore, you need these devices at the minimum to operate your new life including employment, running bookkeeping and records, storing photos, running research, obtaining information, communication tools etc.
1.4. Children:
Yes, the most important issue after the contact and care are sorted out is your Support system concerning the care of the children. To survive, you need to take breaks. The help of friends, family, childcare or a babysitter will make a huge difference in your self-care, sanity and energy levels.
1.5. Friends & family circle:
Make a solar -relationship diagram (in previous blogs) to assess all your relationships as they could have changed drastically. Also contemplate meeting new people in your life, people that are not part of your past life. Please take note to not overburden your new friends with the justified problems you are experiencing with the NTP. You also need to have a BREAK from your problems, therefore avoid always dragging them into the conversations.
1.6. Accommodation:
This is incredibly important!
You must secure a place to stay for you and if applicable your children, even if it is with friends or family etc. This is the basis from where you will create your new life. If you do not have a basis, it will be very challenging to deal with the rest of the areas that you need to deal with. Your accommodation also weighs a lot in the eyes of the court when it comes to the allocation of contact and care with your children.
You might have to consider moving town if the NTP turned your environment into an unbearable toxic space.
1.7. Life going forward:
Re-think new ways of recreation and church life. May it be a time for fresh challenges and faces. It is also very important that you have a plan in place to look after your health from the start in the following ways:
1.7.1 Physical health: regular walking etc.
1.7.2. Moving forward and need counselling- Rise and Radiate Life coaching is there to tailor-made assist and coach you. You are welcome to make an appointment.
1.7.3. Mental health: if you are suffering from severe depression, you should see a psychologist.
1.7.4. Spiritual health: Lock into a church group or change to one where there are more people with the same walk of life than you.
1.7.5. Community health: Nothing like the therapy of giving/sharing.
PS: Just remember you CAN DO IT! You CAN be independent and create your own, new happier life. It is not going to be an easy journey but once you have reached the new land of FREEDOM and away from the abuse, you will know that it was worth every step.
There are new horizons to explore and new people to meet- don’t waste too much time fighting the past and letting the NTP steal our life. We have one life to live on earth so let’s make the remaining part a beautiful one.
MATTHEW 19: 16-26
“With men, it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.”
Rise and Radiate!
Once you rise and radiate, you can radiate the love and goodness of God to others!
Blessings
Coach Mimi
To book any consultation,
please make a booking via the website: riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za
Or via email: mimi@riseandradiatelifecoaching.co.za
Or WhatsApp-text: +27 82 464 8701
| Next Blog nr 4: “To build your new life and get back in the market
Rise and Radiate!
|
Definitions:
- Narcissist:
Definition according to the WebMD Editorial Contributors-article
Medically Reviewed by Dr. Dan Brennan, MD on December 02, 2020
- Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behaviour, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand their behaviour’s effect on other people.
- It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.
- People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don’t show negative behaviour right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their egos. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.
- Definition of a Toxic person by Gary Thomas, author of “When to walk away”: “ The challenge is that there’s no one exhaustive definition of a toxic person. Certain traits are common:
1. They are often ruled by selfishness and spite.
2. They are usually draining instead of encouraging, and they use people instead of encouraging them.
3. They are often seemingly addicted to self-righteous, rash judgments and thus frequently fight with people instead of enjoying and appreciating people.
4. They may be jealous of healthy people’s peace, family and friendships and spend much of their time and effort trying to bring people down to their level of misery rather than blessing others with joy and encouragement.
5. They often want to control you and it may feel as if they just want you to stop being you.”
- Love bombing:
Definition By Barbara Field, Published in Verywellmind on April 13, 2022, Medically reviewed by
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
“What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing occurs when someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection.
Although it can be a positive aspect at the beginning of a romantic relationship, it can lead to gaslighting and abuse. Psychologists caution it might be a manipulative tactic by a narcissist or sociopath in an attempt to control you.
Why Love Bombing May Become Dangerous
Love bombing often takes place at the onset of a relationship. At the beginning of getting to know each other, you might view this person as charming and especially attentive. This person will praise you effusively, tell you they adore you, and often seem to emotionally attach way too quickly.
If you find yourself telling your friends your partner seems too good to be true, they just might be.
Love bombing also happens with couples after they have a big fight or break up. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance, but if someone belittles you, then begs for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, and offers overly grand gestures, like sending you five dozen roses to show how sorry they are, be cautious.
Especially common in cases of domestic violence, the abuser will inflict abuse, reiterate how much they love you, and employ dramatic tactics to get in your good graces again to keep you in the relationship. The danger is that the abuser needs control and the same cycle repeats. They don’t change their abusive behaviour and you might be in harm’s way.
Stages of Being Love-Bombed
Let’s take a look at the stages of love bombing.
Idealization
Love bombers sweep you off your feet. It’s nice to be flooded with dopamine, the feel-good chemical your brain releases. As Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD, MFT points out, “it feels great when a new potential love interest starts sexting you or bombards you with texts, calls, and flowers.”
But a common sign of a love bomber: is they don’t do anything halfway. During the first phase, there is an idealization. They seem to put you on a pedestal. This can seem flattering, but they idealize you too quickly. Everything seems to happen too quickly.
Devaluation
One of the telling signs of being love-bombed occurs during the second phase, the devaluation stage. Your partner alternates between being kind one minute and cruel the next. They’re savvy enough to be loving in public so that others think they’re great. But they turn abusive, especially in private.
These individuals are amazingly adept at finding those who are vulnerable. For example, they’ll prey on those who just got divorced, recently broke up with someone, or have low self-esteem.
In the first study1 to empirically analyze love bombing behaviours, researchers found a correlation between love bombing and narcissism, insecure attachment style, and low self-esteem using a sample group of 484 college students.”
APPLICATION FOR MAINTENANCE ORDER.pdf